TRANSCRIPT

[beatupgrass]

NOTE: This comes from the cam version, which has some scenes edited out and mediocre sound quality, so I MAY TRANSCRIBE THINGS WRONG. It could happen.

XANDAR
[Capital of the Nova Empire)

[Rocket is scanning lifeforms on Xandar in the court square looking for bounties, commentating to Groot as he checks random individuals.]

Rocket: (vaguely disgusted) Xandarians. What a buncha losers. All of 'em in a big hurry to get from somethin' stupid to nothin' at all. Pathetic. [He zeroes in on a guy with a terrible hairpiece.] Look at this guy. Can you believe they call us criminals when he's assaultin' us with that haircut? [He zooms in on a little child strugglebussing along and needing help from his mother. Rocket seems completely affronted by this display.] What is this thing?! Look how it thinks it's so cool. [Loudly yelling in an offended manner.] IT'S NOT COOL TO GET HELP. WALK BY YOURSELF, YOU LITTLE GARGOYLE. [He calms down and switches over to an old man talking to a pretty lady.] Look at Mr. Smiles over here. Where's your wife, old man? What a Class A pervert [He laughs and lowers the scanner.] Right, Groot?

[Cut to Groot who is drinking water from a nearby fountain. This seems to personally offend Rocket, because wow.]

Don't drink fountain water, you idiot. That's disgusting. [Groot shakes his head and tries to pretend he wasn't just doing that thing.] Yes, you did! I just saw you doin' it. Why you lying? [Rocket's scanner goes off and he turns away from Groot.] Whoa. Looks like we got one. [The scanner pinpoints Quill on a bridge chatting up some girl.] Okay, humy. How bad does someone wanna find you? [There's a beat as the bounty pops up. Rocket looks astonished.] 40,000 units? [Suddenly excited] Groot! We're gonna be rich.

[He turns back to find Groot is drinking from the fountain again. He gives a long suffering sigh.]


***

[As Gamora prepares to stab Quill, Rocket COMES FLYING OUT OF NOWHERE AND TACKLES HER, latching onto her head bodily as she struggles to get him off. Groot arrives holding.... a large sack. Yeah. These are your bounty hunters, gentleman.]

Rocket: [while holding Gamora down] PUT 'EM IN THE BAG. PUT 'EM IN THE BAG. [Groot begins growing vines that entangle Gamora while Rocket's still reenacting 8 Seconds on her face.] No! Not her, idiot! Learn genders, man. [Gamora bites Rocket's hand when it gets too close to her mouth and he jerks back.] OW! Biting?! That's not fair.

[Quill runs off with the orb and Gamora becomes more viscerally enraged.] Take it easy! [She proceeds to HURL ROCKET ACROSS THE SQUARE where he smacks into a... idk a phonebooth or something and hits the ground. Groot releases Gamora and she takes off running after Quill.]

+++

[After Quill dispatches Gamora, Groot sneaks up behind him and throws the sack over his head, while Rocket looks on. Groot looks pleased with himself, much to Rocket's annoyance.]

Rocket: Quit smiling, you idiot. You're supposed to be a professional. [He turns around to see Gamora storming back and he looks utterly crestfallen. SERIOUSLY WOMAN? SERIOUSLY??]  You gotta be kidding me.

[Gamora brushes past him, placing a hand on his head and toppling him over violently, because wow rude. She then proceeds to SLICE AND DICE AND MAKE JULIENNE TREE MAN and once Groot's been... unarmed, she tries to go for Quill in the sack who pulls a blaster on her and renders her unconscious. Quill tries to escape and Rocket pulls out his BIG FUCKING GUN, which unfolds into a much bigger gun at his touch.]

I live for the simple things.... like how much this is gonna hurt. [He shoots and hits Quill, who falls to the ground some yards away writhing. Rocket cackles in manic glee and then deadpans:] Yeah. Writhe, little man.

[Beside him, Groot makes pained noises about his lack of arms. Rocket looks him over, clearly unconcerned.] It'll grow back, you d'ast idiot. Quit whining.

[Suddenly a yellowish glow envelopes Groot, Rocket, and the unconscious Gamora. A Nova Corps officer in a small ship begins speaking.]

Nova Corps Officer: Subject 89P13, drop your weapon.
Rocket: [Looking utterly devastated, but obeying all the same] Aw crap.

[The Nova Corps arrest Rocket, Groot, Gamora, and Quill.]

Rocket: (snapping bitterly) Fascists.

THE KYLN
HIGH SECURITY PRISON

(The fabulous foursome are arrested and escorted to the Kyln. Once again, Rocket can't shut his mouth.)

Rocket: They call the Kyln the stomach of the prison system. No matter how good you are goin' in, you come out pretty freakin' bad. I guess most of Nova Corps wanna uphold the law, but these ones here- they're corrupt and cruel. But hey! [He chuckles and adds with a hint of pride.] That's not my problem. I ain't gonna be here long. I've escaped 22 prisons- this one's no different. You're lucky the broad showed up, 'cause otherwise me and Groot would be collectin' that bounty right now and you'd be gettin' drawn and quartered by Yondu and those Ravagers.
Quill: (annoyed) I've had a lot of folks try to kill me over the years. I ain't about to be brought down by a tree and a talking raccoon.
Guard: HALT.
Rocket: (stopping as commanded, but looking utterly perplexed by Quill's words) What's a raccoon?
Quill: (Mockingly) What's a raccoon? It's what you are, stupid.
Rocket: (menacingly as this is a point of pride- and a sensitive issue- to him) Ain't no thing like me, 'cept me.

(They resume walking down the corridor. Quill attempts to engage Gamora in a conversation about the orb, while Groot offers helpful commentary by... saying "I am Groot." Quill is getting increasingly more irritated by that.)

Gamora: I have no words for an honorless thief.
Rocket: (muttering and giving Gamora the stink-eye) Pretty high and mighty comin' from the lackey of a genocidal maniac. (Gamora looks down at him like BITCH WHAT U SAY??? Rocket's not the least bit fazed and just moves right on, making Gamora mildly uncomfortable.) Yeah. I know who you are. Anyone who's anyone knows who you are.

(Gamora tells everyone her business while the guard uses his armband to open up a door. Rocket observes this with fascination, clearly hatching a plan. Meanwhile, Groot is still trying to engage Peter in a conversation.)

Quill: (To Rocket) What is wrong with Giving Tree here?
Rocket: Well, he don't know talkin' good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "Am" and "Groot." (a beat) Exclusively in that order.

(Quill gets his butthole tazed by a guard because he threw a hissy fit over a Walkman and we proceed to get a montage of everyone's hard prison prep life. While Quill's changing, Rocket comes in, drenched from the showers and with his back turned, Quill can see the REALLY DISGUSTING AND TRAGIC cybernetic implants on his back, which I guess warms his kokoro a bit. Eventually, the four of them head out into the mess hall where Gamora is greeted with jeers by the other prisoners.

Rocket is completely unsurprised and unconcerned by all of this and provides the ~exposition~. He's been in prison before, okay. This is boring to him now. That's pretty much his entire demeanor here. I'VE SEEN SOME SHIT, OKAY. I'M MR. PRISON EXPERT. DON'T FUCK WITH ME.)

Rocket: Like I said. She's got a rep. A lot of prisoners here have lost their families to Ronan and his goons. She'll last a day tops.
Quill: (concernicus) The guards will protect her, right?
Rocket: They're here to stop us from getting out.  They don't care what we do to each other inside.

(Gamora does not give a fuck. Meanwhile, as Quill contemplates her lack of a fuck, a very large prisoner begins badtouching him and pretty much explicitly says he's gonna make him his prison bitch. Groot sticks some branches INTO HIS NOSE AND LIFTS HIM OFF THE GROUND, while Rocket proceeds to command the room. Seriously, he's a 2'6 fucking raccoon just going Al Capone on this room in sheer intimidation. It's awesome.)

Rocket: Let's make something clear. This one here's our booty. (pointing at Quill) If you wanna get to him, you go through us. Or, more accurately, we go through you.

(Groot drops the prisoner and leaves him crying on the floor in a fetal ball and walks off. Rocket collects his shit without another word and follows while Quill's left staring.)

Quill: ....I'm with them.

(AND THAT IS HOW ROCKET BECAME QUILL'S PRISON WIFE.

Later that night, some prisoners abduct Gamora from her cell with the intention of killing her. Quill overhears the scuffle and goes to investigate. Rocket notices.)

Rocket: (sleepily) Quill, what're you doin'? (Quill ignores him and sneaks out of the room. Rocket panics and follows him, hissing:) Quill?

(Rocket ends up following him to the showers where several prisoners (and Drax) are engaged in a conversation over who deserves to murder Gamora more. Rocket tugs on Quill's pantleg to get him to leave, but is brushed off. As Drax prepares to choke out Gamora, Quill steps in.)

Rocket: (covering his face like he can't watch) Oh crap. (peeks out between his fingers)

(Quill manages to talk Drax out of murdering Gamora. Yay. Gamora storms off, Quill follows, and Rocket follows Quill. An argument between Gamora and Quill ensues. Quill reveals he needs her alive because she knows where he can sell the orb.)

Gamora: How are we going to sell it when we and it are here?
Quill: (proudly, looking down at Rocket) My friend Rocket here has escaped 22 prisons.
Rocket: (smugly) Oh, we're gettin' out. (Pointedly at Quill) And then we're headed straight to Yondu to retrieve your bounty.

(Gamora reveals that the orb is worth four billion units, to which Rocket responds with utter shock:)

Rocket: WHAT?!

(Gamora says she'll lead them to the buyer and they can split the profit between the three of them. Groot appears to throw in his two cents.)

Rocket: Four of us. (Directed at Groot) Asleep for the danger, awake for the money, as for frickin' usual.

+++

(In the mess hall, Rocket, Groot, Gamora, and Quill are getting their dinner together so Rocket can discuss his plan, which is hilarious because there are people everywhere and he has no concept of an INDOOR VOICE.)

Rocket: If we're gonna get outta here, we're gonna need to get into that watchtower. And to do that, I'm gonna need a few things. The guards wear security bands to control their ins and outs- I need one.
Gamora: Leave it to me.

(A prisoner with a prosthetic leg walks by.)

Rocket: That dude there. I need his prosthetic (his voices hitches as he tries not to laugh) leg.
Quill: His leg?
Rocket: Yeah. God knows I don't need the rest of 'em. Look at 'em, he's useless.
Quill: (shrugging) All right.
Rocket: And finally, on the wall back there is a black panel. Blinky yellow light. You see it? (without turning around, because he's being half-subtle)
Quill: (looks directly at it. like a dumbass) Yeah?
Rocket: There's a Quarnax battery behind it. Purplish box. Green wires. (It's a good thing you're not colorblind, Rocket) To get into that watchtower, I definitely need it.
Gamora: How are we supposed to do that.
Rocket: Well, supposedly these bald bodies find you attractive. (like he has no idea if that's even true or not. he doesn't know. no one's fucking the raccoon.) So maybe you can work out some sorta trade.
Gamora: You must be joking.
Rocket: No, I really heard they find you attractive.

(Quill explains the flaws in Rocket's plan, while Groot walks over to the watchtower and begins to dismantle the battery while no one is paying attention. Rocket's too busy being offended.)

Rocket: I got one plan and that plan requires a frickin' Quarnax battery, (suddenly in Quill's face) SO FIGURE IT OUT. (he calms down) Can I get back to it? (he doesn't wait for an answer) Thanks. Now this is important. Once the battery is removed, everything is gonna slam into emergency mode. Once we have it, we gotta move quickly, so you definitely need to get that last.

(Groot pulls the battery free AND EVERYTHING SLAMS INTO EMERGENCY MODE. Rocket looks utterly horrified.)

OR WE COULD JUST GET IT FIRST AND IMPROVISE.

Gamora: I'll get the armband.
Quill: Leg.

(They leave, while Rocket just groans and goes full FACE IN HANDS.

A full prison riot breaks out. Rocket dodges bullets because he has a fucking 28 defense and you can suck it. No really. He... earns that defense score. #ActualFastHero. He climbs up on top of Groot with fucking crazy acrobatic skills.)

Rocket: YOU IDIOT. How am I supposed to fight these things without my stuff?

(Drax overhears this and disables a guard and tosses his BIG FREAKIN' GUN at Rocket, who catches it. Man, I am... really secure in my character sheet for him seeing all this shit.)

Rocket: (looking like Christmas and his birthday came early or like he just had an orgasm, but sexualizing furry animals is weird) Ohhhh yeah.

(AND THUS BEGINS THE MACHINE GUNNING. AND YELLING. Eventually, the plan comes together. Gamora tosses Rocket the armband and he fixes it to the battery.)

Rocket: HEAD TO THE WATCHTOWER.

(They take the watchtower. #Teamwork. Also lazy writing on my part because I HATE TRANSCRIBING FIGHT SCENES.

Rocket immediately sets to work on overriding the systems, while Gamora protests Drax being here. Quill deposits the prosthetic leg next to Rocket.)

Rocket: Oh, I was just kidding about the leg. I just need these two things.
Quill: WHAT?
Rocket: (laughing) I thought it'd be funny! Was it funny? What'd he look like hopping around?
Quill: I had to transfer 30,000 units!
Rocket: (snickering)

(the security drones begin attacking the watchtower.)

Drax: How are we going to leave?
Quill: He has a plan. (To Rocket) You do have a plan? Or was that another thing you made up?
Rocket: I have a plan. I have a plan!
Drax: Cease your yammering and relieve us from this irksome confinement.
Quill: Yeah, I'll have to agree with the walking thesaurus on that one.
Drax: Do not ever call me a thesaurus.
Quill: It's just a metaphor, dude.
Rocket: (still working) His people are completely literal. Metaphors are gonna go over his head.
Drax: Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it.

(The guards begin shooting at the watchtower, making the group more impatient, as Rocket continues to belligerently press buttons and idk do a bunch of movie hacking rituals.)

Gamora: Rodent, we are ready for your plan.
Rocket: HOLD ON.
Drax: (suddenly) I recognize this animal! We brought some over to our planet as children. (??? I think???) The flesh was quite delicious.
Rocket: (VERY VERY PISSED OFF) NOT. HELPING.

(At the very last second, Rocket manages to rig the systems to turn off the artificial gravity everywhere except the watchtower. He disengages the console room from the tower allowing it to float freely and reprograms the security drones to attach themselves to the bottom, making a makeshift transport vehicle to escape with. He is that awesome.)

Rocket: I told you I had a plan.

(Rocket pilots his makeshift transport somewhere near the exit of the prison, locking the guards out.)

Quill: That was a pretty good plan.
Rocket: (throwing his arms out like yeah bitch, I told you. I'm fucking awesome.)

(They all go to collect their stuff.)

Rocket: They crumpled my pants up into a ball. That's rude! They folded yours.

(Quill sends them to the Milano, while he goes to rescue his Walkman.)

+++

MEANWHILE, IN SPACE

(The Milano is waiting outside the prison for Quill to get his ass in gear. Rocket's growing steadily more impatient.)

Rocket: How's he gonna get to us?!
Gamora: He declined to share that information with me.
Rocket: Well, screw this then! I ain't waitin' around for some humy with a death wish. You got the orb, right?

(Gamora does not have the orb.

Because Quill is one smart fucking jackass.)

Rocket: If we don't leave now, we will be blown to bits!
Gamora: No! We're not leaving without the orb.

(Quill arrives. Yay.)

+++

THE MILANO

(Rocket is humming to himself as he pieces together shit he found in Quill's ship. Quill comes up behind him.)

Quill: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yo, Ranger Rick, what are you doing? You can't take apart my ship without asking me. What is this? (reaches down to grab something)
Rocket: (nonchalantly) Don't touch that. It's a bomb.
Quill: A bomb?!
Rocket: (still casual) Yep.
Quill: And you leave it lying around?
Rocket: (pulls out a box which is presumably full of bombs. the quality on this cam is shit.) I was gonna put it in a box!
Quill: WHAT'S A BOX GONNA DO?
Rocket: (picks up the unopened gift from Quill's mom) What about this one?
Quill: (grabs it) No! Whoa hey, leave it alone.
Rocket: Why? What is it?
Quill: Shut up!
Rocket: Hey! (wow bitch i was just trying to have a conversation)
Quill: (notices something else) What's that?
Rocket: That's for if things get really hardcore. (devious grin) Or if you wanna blow up moons.
Gamora: No one's blowing up moons.
Rocket: (long-suffering) You just wanna suck the joy outta everything.

(They discuss their plans for the orb. Gamora is like BITCH I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER and flounces, but before that:)

Gamora: And Quill, your ship is filthy.
Quill: (as she leaves) She has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollack painting.
Rocket: (I don't even know how he gets that reference, but he does and he looks appropriately grossed out) You got issues, Quill.

+++

(Peter is dicking around with his guns, off-screen Rocket yells down to indicate they've arrived at their destination.)

Rocket: Head's up! We're inbound.

(Gamora gives some exposition on Knowhere which is the skull of a dead Celestial and blah, blah, blah. No one cares, Gamora.)

KNOWHERE

(The group arrives at a seedy bar.)

Rocket: Your buyer's in there?

(Everyone settles in to wait. Drax and Rocket begin drinking and placing bets on some sort of weird violent alien cockfighting thing, while Groot looks on in horror. Drax says... something about drinking more and Rocket, starting to get thoroughly soused, excitedly yells:)

Rocket: THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'VE SAID THAT WASN'T BATSHIT CRAZY!

(While this is happening, Gamora and Quill are having 12% of a moment outside on the balcony. They're interrupted by the sound of a scuffle inside involving Drax and Groot and when they storm in to check it out, they find Rocket preparing to blow Drax's head off.)

Quill: WHOA WHOA. What're you doing?
Drax: (pointing at Rocket) This vermin speaks of affairs he knows nothing about!
Rocket: (still pointing his gun at Drax) THAT IS TRUE.
Drax: HE HAS NO RESPECT.
Rocket: THAT IS ALSO TRUE.
Quill: (trying to calm Rocket down) HOLD ON.
Rocket: (at this point, it's very clear that Rocket is thoroughly drunk and is starting to slur his words) KEEP CALLIN' ME VERMIN, TOUGH GUY. (he waves his gun, indicating the entire crowd) You just wanna laugh at me like everyone else!
Quill: Rocket, you're drunk, all right? No one's laughing at you.
Rocket: (now starting to get more hysterical and upset than angry) He thinks I'm some stupid thing! He does! Well, I didn't ask to get made!

(The room goes very quiet as Rocket starts to come very close to crying, going on with his rant.) I didn't ask to get torn apart and put back together over and over and turned into some.... some little monster.

Quill: (placating, though realizing the implications of what Rocket is saying) Rocket, no one is calling you a monster.
Rocket: (pointing accusingly at Drax, still hysterical) HE CALLED ME VERMIN. (he points at Gamora) She called me rodent. (he starts to become enraged again) Let's see if you can laugh after five or six good shots in your freakin' face.

(He hefts his gun to shoot at Drax and Gamora and Quill steps in front of him, urging him to calm his furry tits and think of the money and not his pride. Rocket looks like he's about ready to shoot through Quill, but finally calms down enough to lower his weapon.)

Fine. But I can't promise after this is over I'm not gonna kill every last one of you jerks.

(Quill gives a speech about how everyone is an asshole and Drax flounces off because his manpain is too hardcore for y'all. Before anything else can spur another fight, the Collector's assistant arrives and summons them up to meet him. Rocket is immediately unnerved by the Collector's place.

Can't imagine why.

You know.

Considering he just had a huge distressing rant about being an experiment.

Cages might be triggering or something.)

Rocket: (holding back his unease) This isn't creepy at all.

(He passes by a cage holding a dog in a spacesuit who growls at him. HE GROWLS RIGHT BACK.

They meet the Collector, who shows interest in Groot. Rocket immediately becomes distrusting and suspicious of him and when the Collector offers to pay Groot for use of his carcass after his dead, Rocket takes more offense to it than Groot does.)

Rocket: Why? So he can turn you into a freakin' chair?
The Collector: (halfway acknowledging Rocket) That's your pet?
Rocket: (about to pull his gun out, BROOKLYN RAGE ACTIVATED) WHAT?!

(The Collector is  amused by Rocket's posturing and Gamora steps in to intervene before anything can come of it. The Collector proceeds to Exposition forever about infinity stones, while Rocket grows steadily more impatient with it.)

Rocket: Blah, blah, blah. (mimicking the Collector's crazy gesticulations) We're all very fascinated, Whitey, but we'd like to get paid.
The Collector: How would you like to get paid?
Rocket: What d'you think, Fancy Man? Units!

(The Collector goes to pay them and his assistant has a psychotic break and grabs the infinity stone, causing the Collector's place TO BLOW THE FUCK UP and taking her with it because... she was not worthy. Groot grabs Rocket as he's trying to scurry out and the two escape the explosion. Gamora grabs the orb once the dust clears and she and Quill retreat outside where Rocket and Groot are waiting. Rocket is understandably horrified that they still have the orb, knowing now what it can do.)

Rocket: WHAT DO YOU STILL HAVE IT FOR?
Quill: We couldn't leave it in there!
Rocket: (pointing hysterically) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THAT IN YOUR PURSE.
Quill: It's not a purse. It's a knapsack.
Gamora: We have to bring this to Nova Corps. There's a chance they can contain it.
Rocket: (still hysterical) Are you kidding me? We're wanted by the Nova Corps! Just give it to Ronan!
Quill: So he can use it to destroy the galaxy?!
Rocket: What are you? Some saint all of a sudden?! What has the galaxy ever done for you? Why would you wanna save it?!
Quill: BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THE IDIOTS WHO LIVES IN IT.

(Gamora attempts to convince Quill to deliver the stone to Nova, though Quill suggests they SELL IT TO A NICE PERSON INSTEAD, causing Gamora to flounce off. There's a lot of flouncing in this movie. But before she can properly flounce, it turns out DRAX DRUNK-DIALED RONAN AND CALLED HIS ARMY TO THE FUCKING SPACE STATION. So that happened.

Ronan's army descends on Knowhere along with Yondu and the Ravagers, causing Gamora, Quill, and Rocket to head into transport pods to take to the skies and do battle with the necrocrafts. Groot attempts to follow Rocket into one.)

Rocket: I toldja you can't fit. Now wait here. I'll be back.

(Epic fight over the station ensues. Gamora is attempting to avoid Nebula and the necrocrafts while Rocket and Quill provide cover.)

Quill: (something something about covering Gamora until she gets to the Milano)
Rocket: HOW?! We got no weaponry on these things.
Quill: These pods are industrial grade. They're virtually indestructible.
Rocket: Not against necrocrafts they're not.
Quill: That's not what I'm saying.
Rocket: (realization hits) Ohhhhhh.

(Rocket begins belligerently ramming his pod into necrocrafts left and right with AN ANGRY BATTLECRY. Eventually, Gamora is forced to take her pod out into space, despite Quill's protests. Nebula destroys her pod, leaving her stranded in the void just in time for Quill and Rocket to arrive. While Quill frets over Gamora, Rocket watches in horror as Nebula steals the orb away.

After awhile, Rocket finally tries to yank Quill out of his BSOD. )

Rocket: (somberly, with a hint of desperation) Quill, come on. Her body mods should keep her alive for a couple more minutes, but there's nothin' we can do for her. These pods aren't meant to be out here. In a second we're gonna be in the same boat.

(He turns his pod around and starts to leave. Quill lingers. Rocket notices. Because he has a +21 spot. And he stops his pod, as well.)

Quill? (Quill puts out a call to Yondu telling him to come and get him. Rocket turns his pod THE FUCK AROUND.)  Quill, what're you doing?

(Quill gets out of his pod and goes to Gamora.) Quill, don't be ridiculous! Get back into your pod! You can't fit two people in there! You're gonna die.

(Quill removes his helmet and puts it on Gamora, allowing her to breathe as... he starts to freeze to death in the void of space. Rocket is becoming increasingly more distraught.) You'll die in seconds! (voice cracking) Quill. 

(He looks on at Quill's sacrifice with a mixture of sorrow and shock that he'd be willing to do that for her, completely taken aback by the gesture, but doesn't leave them alone immediately. Yondu's ship arrives just in time to save both Quill and Gamora and Rocket takes off back to Knowhere.)

+++

KNOWHERE

(Drax, having been curbstomped by Ronan, is revived by Groot just as Rocket indelicately lands his pod in the square. I mean really indelicately. Like borderline crashes that shit because he has road rage. He exits the pod, ranting.)

Rocket: D'ASTED IDIOT! They're all idiots. (To Drax) Quill just got himself captured. None of this woulda happened if you hadn't singlehandedly tried to take on a frickin' army.
Drax: You're right. (Rocket is completely unmoved by this confession) I was a fool. All the anger, all the rage... It was just to cover my loss.

(Groot sympathetically pats Drax's shoulder. Rocket stares at them for a beat like he's trying to process how many fucks he gives and finds a 404: No Fucks Found error.)

Rocket: (faux whiny voice) Oh boo hoo hoo. My wife and child are dead. (Groot gasps in shock.) Oh, I don't care if it's mean. Everybody's got dead people. It's no excuse to get everybody else dead along the way. (Groot shoots him a dirty look and Rocket softens just a bit, but shrugs it off. Pragmatism time.) C'mon, Groot. Ronan has the stone. The only chance we got is to get to the other side of the universe as fast as we can, and maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to lead full lives before that whackjob ever gets there.
Groot: (standing) I am Groot.
Rocket: Save them? How?!
Groot: (shrugging) I am Groot.
Rocket: (frustrated) I know they're the only friends we ever had, but there's an army of Ravagers around them, and there's only two of us.
Drax: (stands up and puts a hand on Groot's shoulder) Three.
Rocket: (proceeds to growl and throw a massive hissy fit, kicking at a patch of grass violently) YOU'RE! MAKIN'! ME! BEAT! UP! GRASS!

+++

MEANWHILE, IN SPACE (AGAIN)

(Quill and Gamora manage to convince Yondu and the Ravagers to help them fight Ronan, but because ROCKET HAS THE WORST TIMING EVER, he arrives immediately after the deal is struck piloting the Milano with Drax on the roof holding a very large gun.)

Rocket: Attention, idiots! The lunatic on top of this craft is holding a hadron enforcer. (proudly) A weapon of my own design.
Yondu: What the hell?
Rocket: If you don't hand over our companions now, he's gonna tear your ship a new one. A very big new one.
Yondu: I ain't buyin' it.
Rocket: I'm giving you to the count of five. (immediately starts counting) FIVE. FOUR.

(everyone in the Ravager ship starts panicking, Quill grabs the loudspeaker)

Quill: Rocket, it's me! For God's sake we figured it out. We're fine.

(There's a long pause)

Rocket: (casually) Oh hey, Quill. What's goin' on?

+++

THE MILANO

(The group reconvenes)

Rocket: YOU CALL THAT FIGURIN' IT OUT? We're gonna rob the guys who just beat us senseless??
Quill: Oh, you wanna talk about senseless? How about trying to save us by blowing us up.
Rocket: We were only gonna blow you up if they didn't turn you over.
Quill: And how on earth were they gonna turn us over when you only gave 'em a count of five??
Rocket: (offended) We didn't have time to work out the minutia of the plan. This is what we get for acting altruistically.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: (agreeing) They are ungrateful.
Gamora: What's important now is that we use the Ravagers' army to help us save Xandar.
Rocket: (bitch what are you on) So we can give the stone to Yondu, who's just gonna sell it to someone even worse??
Quill: We'll figure that part out later.
Gamora: We have to stop Ronan.
Rocket: (indignant) HOW?!
Quill: I have a plan.
Rocket: (if he had eyebrows, they'd be up right now) You got a plan?
Quill: Yes.
Rocket: First of all, you're copying me from when I said I had a plan.
Quill: No, I'm not. People say that all the time. It's not that unique of a thing to say.
Rocket: Secondly, I don't even believe you have a plan.
Quill: I have... Part of a plan.
Drax: What percentage of a plan do you have?
Gamora: You don't get to ask questions after the nonsense you pulled on Knowhere.
Quill: I just saved Quill!
Quill: We already established that you destroying the ship I was on is not saving me.
Drax: When did we establish that?
Quill: LIKE THREE SECONDS AGO.
Drax: I wasn't listening. I was thinking of something else.
Gamora: (LONG SUFFERING SIGH)
Rocket: (pointing at Drax) She's right. You don't get an opinion. (To Quill) What percentage?
Quill: ...12%.
Rocket: 12%?! (FAKEST HYSTERICAL LAUGH EVER)
Quill: That's a fake laugh.
Rocket: IT'S REAL.
Quill: Totally fake.
Rocket: That is the most real, authentic hysterical laugh in my entire life, because that is not  a plan.
Gamora: It's barely a concept.
Quill: You're taking their side?!
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: (incredulous) So what if it's better than 11%? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

(Quill delivers a stirring speech about how they can be an awesome team. It moves everyone to become much more somber and after a second, Rocket speaks up:)

Rocket: (softly) But Quill... Stopping Ronan? It's impossible. You're asking us to die.

(One by one everyone agrees to stand by Quill until it's down to just Rocket who stares at them for a moment like he isn't sure if he wants to be associated to this bullshit. Finally, he gives in.)

Oh, what the hell? I ain't got that long a lifespan anyway. (He stands up on top of the box he was sitting on.) Now I'm standing. Y'all happy? We're all standing up now. A buncha jackasses standing in a circle.

+++

THE RAVAGER SHIP

(Quill and Gamora lay out the plan to fight Ronan. Very plan. Much detail. At one point, Rocket interjects:)

Rocket: There's one more thing we need to complete the plan. (Pointing at one of Yondu's men with a cyborg eye) That guy's eye!
Quill: No, no we don't need that guy's eye.
Rocket: No, seriously, I need it. (trying to cover a laugh) It's important to me.

+++

XANDAR

(EPIC DOGFIGHTING BATTLE AGAINST RONAN COMMENCES. Rocket and the Ravagers are brutally attacking the Dark Aster to try and blow a hole in it so Quill + Yondu can get in and go track down Ronan and kill him. After brutally shooting at the enemy ship, Rocket and his posse manage to blow a hole in it.)

Rocket: QUILL! YONDU! NOW.

(Yondu goes down (but he's okay), though everyone is severely outnumbered and hope seems lost. The Nova Corps arrive to assist, which is awesome and turns the fight around. And eventually Quill, Drax, Gamora, and Groot make it into the Dark Aster, while Rocket, the Nova Corps, and the Ravagers continue to fight off necrocrafts in the sky above Xandar. I really hate describing battle scenes. ROCKET'S A FUCKING GOOD FIGHTER PILOT THOUGH. THAT'S A GOOD NOTE.

As the fighting continues, Rocket takes some to observe the situation with a worried expression, because the Dark Aster is getting closer to the ground and that is a BAD THING.)

Rocket: Oh man...

(The Nova Corps band together and form a blockade to keep the Dark Aster airborne and because Ronan is an asshole, he orders his necrocrafts to SUICIDE BOMB THE HELL OUT OF THE CITY TO SEE IF HE CAN PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE FUCKING NOVA CORPS. HEY BITCHES YOU WANNA SAVE YOUR PEOPLE OR KEEP ME UP IN THE AIR NYEH. Rocket, suddenly displaying a moment of self-sacrificing character development, steps in. And also rescues a lady and her child. Awww.)

Rocket: Keep Ronan up there, Saal. We'll take care of the people down here.
Saal: (long-suffering) I can't believe I'm taking orders from a hamster.

(Rocket, because James Gunn played Space Invaders A LOT as a kid, takes a position near the ground and orders the Ravagers to do the same.)

Rocket: Everybody shoot them before they hit the ground!

(Ronan finally has enough of this shit and begins to cut through the Nova Corps barrier like butter, killing all those nice men who are holding it up, including Saal, who REFUSES TO BREAK FORMATION EVEN AS HE IS GETTING SLOWLY CRUSHED TO DEATH.)

Saal: ROCKET! (HE CALLED HIM BY HIS NAME AND NOT HIS EXPERIMENT NUMBER. LET'S JUST... OBSERVE THAT.)
Rocket: (clearly worried, but unable to leave his post) HOLD ON, SAAL. Just-

(Saal dies and Rocket's left to observe with the most DEVASTATED LOOK.)

Rocket: Quill, you better hurry. The city's been evacuated, but we're gettin' our asses kicked out here.

++++

THE DARK ASTER

(The other Guardians make it to Ronan, who curbstomps them and just as he's gloating about murdering Drax's family before he murders him, ROCKET SLAMS HIS SHIP INTO RONAN'S FACE. The resulting impact knocks him unconscious, but also has the secondary effect of bringing the Dark Aster down. Quill retrieves an unconscious Rocket from the wreckage and the five of them band together as they realize they're about to go down with the ship. Groot, however, forms a protective shield around them with his body that will protect them from the impact.

Rocket wakes up and realizes what he's doing and goes over to him.)

Rocket: No, Groot. You can't. You'll die. (choked up and crying, while pleading with him) Wh-why're you doing this? Why?
Groot: (wipes away one of Rocket's tears with a vine) We. Are. Groot.

+++

XANDAR

(The Dark Aster crashes on Xandar. The Guardians are bruised and battered, but otherwise fine, except for Groot, who has been reduced to a pile of splinters. Rocket, looking small and devastated, is kneeling in the wreckage holding a pile of Groot's twigs in his hand.)

Rocket: (shellshocked) I called him an idiot.

(RONAN EMERGES FROM THE WRECKAGE COMPLETELY UNSCATHED LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Rocket, enraged by this sight and clearly not caring that he was utterly terrified of the power of the infinity stones earlier in the movie, proceeds to stand up to him.)

Rocket: YOU KILLED GROOT.

(HE PROCEEDS TO TRY AND LEROY JENKINS HIM, FORGETTING HE IS NOT, IN FACT, A TANK. As expected, Ronan just blasts him away easily. He lands next to the remains of his hadron enforcer and he immediately sets to repairing it. Because even getting blasted with the fucking ultimate weapon, he is totally okay enough to fix shit. The other Guardians pick up on it and while Ronan gloats, Quill steps up and challenges him to a dance-off.

No really. That happens. Ronan is... so confused. But the distraction works and Drax is able to blast apart Ronan's weapon with the BIG FUCKING CANNON and release the infinity stone. Quill grabs it and before it destroys him, the other Guardians grab hands and share the power of the stone (it should be noted that Rocket's holding one of Groot's twigs so ALL the Guardians were sharing the power), using it to obliterate Ronan.

With the power of friendship. They fucking Care Bear stared him to death.

Once Ronan's dead, Rocket goes back to mourning Groot's twigs, breaking down into whimpering sobs. Drax joins him and he looks away awkwardly and tries to suck it up, probably expecting Drax to be a douchebag, since he recently was insensitive to him about his DEAD FAMILY. He fails at sucking it up, though, and starts crying again. Drax, however, places a hand on his head and begins petting him. Rocket is stunned at first, but eventually just accepts it. )


NOVA CORPS HQ

(The Guardians are lauded for their work in saving Xandar. Rocket has one of Groot's twigs in a pot. And also Nova rebuilt the Milano in, like, five minutes. Seriously, how the fuck did that even happen. HOW LONG WERE THEY ALL RECUPERATING. WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

Rey explains to them that their criminal records have been expunged, but they have to not break the law ever again. Rocket, however, feels the need to test this. Gleefully.)

Rocket: Question. What if I see something that I wanna take, and it belongs to someone else?
Dey: Then you'd be arrested.
Rocket: But what if I want it more than the person who has it?
Dey: Still illegal.
Rocket: That doesn't follow. No, I want it more, sir. You understand me? (Gamora smirks and tries to lead him away) What're you laughin' at? What? Can't I have a discussion with this gentleman?

(The Guardians board the Milano and head off for new adventures.  And also Groot revives as a little sapling. Yay. SUCH FAMILY. MUCH PRECIOUS. WOW.

There. I fucking transcribed all of Rocket's scenes. You can fucking blow me.)